America’s favorite press secretary (next to good ol’ Sean Spicy) has finally handed in her resignation and will be relinquishing her command. While most of Sanders’ job consists of lying and making up shit, Sanders certainly deserves a shout-out for being the third woman ever to fill the position. Good for you, Sarah! America will miss you as much as Mike Pence loves third trimester abortions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to work on my application for the Trump administration.

I’d be an excellent press secretary with a diligent work ethic, great writing ability, and chutzpah (If you can make it in LA, you can make it anywhere). I’m a solid poker player and I’m a great liar. I slam back Manhattans like nobody’s business. Put me in a suit and I might have made it on the cast of Mad Men. My one weakness: Ethics, but is that really a deal-breaker in the Trump administration? Sometimes, I get a little anxious, but I’m sure some coca could fix that right up. With a salary of $179,000 and full benefits, you’ve got my full attention. I’d be “Movin’ On Up to the east side”.

Where do I sign up? I hear you have to be appointed. Personally, I think that’s kind of nepotistic. We all know you only hire your friends. God-Emperor Trump, should I tweet my resume? I don’t think I can fit that on Twitter..Maybe if I tweet a low-res image, it’ll go through. No, I’ll just tweet like 8 consistent tweets like I’ve just finished a big johnny rocker of an eightball. If all my job consists of is lying and distorting the truth, I’m all for it. I’m some no-name blogger that just writes whatever the hell he wants on his website. Not to mention if and when I do tweet, it’s when I’m on the shitter. I’m your man.

I don’t fact check my shit. I just spit out garbage that makes me feel good and embellishes my narcissistic norms. I’m some pseudo-intellectual that’s part of a really dope book club. Sometimes, I read the Wall Street journal. I read about stocks and current events. I don’t have a liberal bias. Donald, I know CNN’s all garbage. If I was a Vanderbilt, I’d be as far away from America as I could. Just kidding, I really do love America. We’re the best country on Earth.

I heard some of your cronies have been talking shit. Tucker Carlson’s started to criticize your highness. I’ll put him in his place if you get me that job. Pro quid pro (Learned that in my employer-required sexual harassment class). It’s motherfucking Latin. No one speaks Latin anymore, except me. I don’t mind putting on a suit every day though I’m hoping we can get casual Fridays with a nice long happy hour. With a salary like Sarah’s, I’d buy seven three piece Prada suits, with cuff links, too. I’ll do it for free if you can grow my blog. Is this enough of a rant for me to get the job?

We’ll miss you Sarah. I look forward to taking your place. See you in the Hwhite House, Donny.

Yours Truly,

King David